It has been about a month since I have blogged. I wish I could say in that month I have gleaned some great wisdom or found a direction for my life, but I have nothing too profound to report. Instead, I have been inundated with work, life as a mom, life as a wife, and life as a friend. I have been a witness as people around me struggle in their marriages, struggle with family illness and struggle with just finding who they are in this world.
I have also caught a few people cheating in their work for my classes and that has been a major bummer. I have had students tell me that "they deserve a better grade" than they are receiving currently and that they will not accept the failing grade that they earned from me. I stare at the screen and blink when I read this or hear these words over the phone. It has brought me to the deep and philosophical question: what do I really deserve?
Wouldn't it be great if we could just say, "I don't really deserve to lose my family member" or "I don't really deserve to make a meal that no one will eat" or "I don't really deserve to have to laundry again"? I mean, after all, I am much more important than these common tasks and daily struggles. I deserve a bigger life where I am just more important and people value me for my gifts and talents.
I don't think I know many people who feel like they "deserve" bad things or want to struggle. In America, we believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We worship at the idol of success. We don't really deserve any of the bad stuff in life, we really only feel like we deserve to be blessed and prosperous. Those "other people" might make bad choices, but I am doing it all right, so I should get the good stuff. Good behavior equals good stuff and happiness. Bad behavior and bad choices equals punishment and bad stuff. We are very black and white about life here and can easily see the speck in our neighbor's eye through the two by four in our own eye.
I have decided that I live and respond to my life based on my ideas about what I deserve. In other words, if I think I am a good person and deserve good things to happen to me, what happens to me if (more like WHEN) bad things do happen to me? (I speak from experience here.) Life can be black and white until you experience the hard and miserable situations that arise in life.
What happens when I don't get what I deserve? What happens when something occurs that makes we question the whole point of life on the planet? Well, something like that did happen in my life 9 years ago. My mom (56) died of cancer when I was 30 years old. I had 2 small kids: 3 and 1. I had barely begun parenting, and she died. I watched her take her last breath and I knew that that was not what she deserved. She deserved to live a long life, filled with joy and peace and good health. She was a good person, who loved her family and enjoyed her work.
After a little bit of living, what I realized is that sometimes I DO get what I deserve and sometimes I DON"T get what I deserve. The truth of life is that sometimes I get away with being a stinker, and sometimes I get busted. Sometimes things happen that take my breath away, and sometimes things happen that fill me with dread. It is a mixed bag this living thing we do everyday on the planet.
For me, beyond the question of what I deserve is something even more important, who runs this show down here? Where is the complaint department and where do I go to get my money back when I want to exchange the bad for the good?
Well, for those of you who know me, I hope you know that Christ is the center of my world. He has been since I was about 6 years old and He is where I turn when things are good and when things are bad. He is my rock and my fortress, a very present help in trouble (see King David and Psalm for more about who He is).
What I know from the Bible, which I believe to be true, is that "in this world there will be trouble" (Jn 16:33) that that isn't the end of the story. Jesus talking:"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."(Jn. 16:33) This is super news really, because I have most definitely NOT, nor will I ever, "overcome the world".
The other thing we have to realize is that having a faith in Christ does not give us a "get out of bad situations that I don't like" card. In Matthew 5:45, it says that God "sends the rains on the righteous and the unrighteous". So why believe then, if bad things happen even if I don't deserve them--why should I trust in God?
The difference is how we handle the deserving and the undeserving things. How do I get through the yuck? If I believe in God then I know that God doesn't want my life to be about me. He wants to purify me, and He wants to call me into a closer relationship with Him. He wants to use the struggles in my life to teach me to rely more on Him. He wants me to come to Him and allow Him to be glorified through my mistakes and through my circumstances. He wants to turn something full of sadness and mourning into joy and beauty (Is. 61:3).
If you don't believe in God, then I don't really know how you get through the undeserved struggles and pains in life. I don't know how you find meaning in the horrible, senseless things in life. I don't think life from this paradigm would be very easy to live. It would be easy to take credit when everything is working out, but who do blame when it doesn't? Perhaps, this is where the entitlement in our culture kicks in, and we say "it's the governments fault".
See we want to get what we deserve, as long as what we deserve is a blessing. The truth though, is that not one of us was born clean. We are all born rotten and separated from God because of our own disobedience. Anyone who doesn't believe that has never had a 2 year old. In 1 John 1:8, it says: "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." The consequences of sin is death. We don't want to think that we deserve death for our sin, because after all, we are good people. Romans 6:23 says "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus." This is not popular stuff I am talking about here. No one wants to deserve death and we all want to be able to "fix" or "earn" our way out of this situation. Yet, God gave us a gift. He gave us a way to be in relationship with Him that we don't deserve through Jesus.
I once heard Francis Chan ask the question: "If you could go to heaven and have all the good stuff that God promises in heaven, like seeing loved ones, getting mansions, no more pain and suffering--but Jesus wasn't there with you, would you still want to go to heaven?" (see Crazy Love, his book for more questions that blow your socks off). It was a profound question to me, because in our consumer culture, where getting what I worked for, what I earned, what I deserve is all about ME and MY GOOD WORKS then the truth would be I feel I DESERVE heaven. Do I love God or His stuff? I want so much to love God, to have Him be my focus.
However, the truth is, I am rotten. Even on my best day, in my heart of hearts, I know that I deserve nothing close to heaven. So, I am learning after all these years, that it isn't about the pursuit of happiness, it is about the pursuit of Jesus.
What do I really deserve? The truth is I don't get what I really deserve because I serve a merciful God, filled with grace and love. Every day, whether a challenge or a victory, is really defined in terms of WHO HE IS rather than WHO I AM. It isn't about WHAT I DO or DON'T DO, it is about living a life that is focused on God and His glory, everything else is extra.
